Went from Joe Walsh and James Taylor opening the show, to Smash Mouth
"All Star". Whatever.

Can you live on steamed tofu and chicken? Then splurge with shredded
wheat for a late night snack? I'd die after a week. Artie has the right
idea. He doesn't eat like a king, he eats like a human being. Granted,
truck loads of pizzas and ice cream cones a day might be a bit much,
but who doesn't have a couple slices every now and then.

A guy called up with a missing page from Hillary Clinton's new book.
The missing page says that the night after Bill told her he cheated on her,
Hillary dressed up in one of Monica's soiled dresses and a black wig
from Chelsea's Halloween costumes and went to Bill as one of his
"Interns". There's no way this guy is telling the truth. The passage he
read was just way too off the wall. He has enough right answers to
almost believe him, but how do you not know the address of your
business. He says he's willing to fax over pay stubs to prove his
employment at Simon & Shuster. The guy sounds like a really gay version
of Shuli. Howard said he pictured him laying in bed wearing a pair of
panties, all hairy. He's gonna call back on monday with more pages and
some proof.

Can you believe a judge in New York actually entertained the thought
that Spike TV is stealing Spike Lee's name? That's ridiculous! I can't
believe it's even taken even semi-seriously. This totally confirms that
Johnnie Cochran is the all-time greatest lawyer ever!

Chaunce called with tape of Gary dogging on Howard. It was totally
nothing, taken way out of context. He's a miserable excuse for a
journalist that will throw anybody he know under the bus. Gary was
obviously joking when he said "Howard cheats on his wife". It's such a
nothing tape, with a nothing comment, about an extremely jokingly
statement. The second tape was Gary making a statement about Howard
being a bad actor, even though the tape said nothing to the fact. The
things that Chaunce was alledging against Gary aren't even close to
what the tapes are saying. Gary's points about Chaunce being the worst
journalist on the planet are totally confirmed, along with the other
millions of incidents that back up this story.

Imagine Carnie Wilson as a tall, super thin chick with big boobs. Even
with those stats, would you want to see her naked? I sure as hell wouldn't.
Her face is still huge and f-ugly. OK forget that, she's still a cow, maybe she's
only half the cow she used to be, but she's still a cow. She says she's 5'4",
150-ish, which is about 30 lbs. over where she should be before she starts
showing it off. Most of that is in her head i'd guess. I agree with Howard completely,
no way in hell she's Playboy material. It's pretty amazing that Playboy is that
celebrity starved that Carnie Wilson is even considered a celebrity, forget that
she's Magilla Gorilla. Now all that said, everyone does want to see it. I'll
probably check them out just for the "car accident" factor of it. Plus
on top of that, the 2 really hot chicks from Survivor are on the cover
of that magazine, so it's as good as bought. Comes out June 27th.
Howardsaid that her husband must've been a huge Beach Boys fan to have fell
in love with a 300 pound chick. That's hilarious. Lucky for him, she found
some self-control in a few staples and some plastic surgery.

The TV Ronald McDonald makes $300,000 a year! The other regional
Ronald's make up to $100,000 a year just for appearances. I'm in the
wrong business.

Kelsey Grammar's daughter, Spencer Grammar came in to talk shit about
her dad. How can a multi-millionaire like Kelsey not give his daughter
any money at all? That's fuckin sad. And apparently Kelsey chose his
wife Camille over his daughter. Enough that Camille hates her so much
she'd throw a vase at her car, call her a whore at age 14, and Kelsey
would totally cut her off from the fortune. Wow, I never liked Kelsey
Grammar, but now I have absolutely no respect for this man. He let his
wife talk shit about his daughter. That's pathetic! No matter how hot
your wife is and how fucked up your daughter is, you have to have your
priorities straight. And for the record, Irritable Bowel Syndrome is
the funniest illness ever. They need to get over themselves. And how can
Camille yell that his daughter is only there for the money, when
there's really no logical reason, besides the money, that she'd be there.
Scandalous, down right disgusting. Gossip Game with Yucko the Clown.
I'll admit its a step up from Shuli last week, but still nowhere near a celebrity.
If you need to know which story was the fake one, go to the Inquirer's website
and play the game. Fag.

After that, Robin started the news. If you want the news, pick up a
paper, i'm not typing that shit out. E-mail us all comments about this
column and ideas about others. Later Days. SL