Hey everyone and welcome to the Inaugural Edition of the Daily Stern.

I don't know about everyone else, but in my opinion, the first hour is
hands-down the best hour of the show. Pretty much nothing going on, no
agenda, and only the stuff going through their heads as topics. And any
Stern fan will tell you thats always been the best stuff on the show.
Especially all the things that went on the night before with all the
guys. Total free-for-all format for the first hour. Today they covered
everything from extra censorship during the new time slot on E! (Moving
back to 11:00pm!) to Benji being a disgusting attention whore and
waddling his fat ass into the studio late. And the lack of a website
that is HowardStern.com with a new picture up of Howard and Artie with
their beard girlfriends and their closet boy toys, Siegfried and Roy.

Apparently the guys at Telepictures aren't liking the attention Howard
stirred up the other day when he asked the audience to get as much
information on them. Stern said that the listeners are flocking like
cockroaches to find info and he's loving it. So anybody out there who
might know anything about Rosenbloom, Paratore, or Fleiss, send it to
HS. Those fuckers deserve everything they get!

Howard then makes his daily attempt to sound like a man and brings up
the Sammy Sosa controversy. If you're a sports fan you know all about
it, if not... In a nutshell, Sosa got caught cheating by using a corked
bat and got ejected from yesterdays game. Of course when anything sports
related gets mentioned they turn to their resident experts Artie, Gary,
and John, who don't know a god damn thing about sports if you ask me!
Artie did bring up a pretty good point about all this though, if and
probably when Sosa gets caught with more cork, the Dominicans and other
minorities will scream out racism or some other controversies. For the
record, Sosa put the cork in his bat, he knew it was in there, period.

Continuing the semi-sports theme a guy calls in to ask about the Roger
Clemen's conversation from yesterday cause he said it sounded like it
was getting cut up in Dallas. Howard went on a rant about how they're
investigating their Dallas station for chopping up the show. Howard and
the guys go into how Clemens is a major scumbag and how they're happy he
hasn't gotten it yet. I totally agree. Never liked him at all, but you
can't take anything away from 300 wins. Of course the Queen had to annoy
everyone with half-assed sports nonsense about how Clemen's shouldn't
get his chance for 300, or something like that. I zoned out cause she
didn't know a god damn thing she was talking about.

The same guy then asks for money, so they bring back the old game Guess
Who's the Jew. Kurt Valdheim Jr. is one of the best characters ever. The
3 chicks were Debra Messing, Jennifer Garner, and Claire Danes. Forget
that this guy was the whitest sounding black guy ever, how the hell do
you not know anything about jews? I know its stereotypes and shit, but
come on. He guessed and got it right for a $500 prize. Dumb fuck got
lucky. The answer was Debra Messing.

They bring in a very faggy sounding guest named Ian Spiegalman (or
whatever), a gossip columnist from Page Six in the NY Post. He wrote an
S&M book nobody will ever read. He got into his weird fetish shit how he
used to get dominated and licked shoes. I just don't get it. And the
fact that he went to therapy and was "cured" it less validates it. As
the conversation goes on he starts sounding cooler and cooler. Anybody
who threatens Ben Affleck's publicist, then gets threatened by Russell
Crowe and has the balls to say he has a glass jaw, then gets beaten with
a shoe by Alicia Silverstone is all right in my book. On top of all that
he got beaten unconscious while coked up at a club. Good times. Plus
he's in love with Britney Spears, how bad can this queer be. And
apparently Gwyneth Paltrow and Mel Gibson are assholes. Wow, big
surprises! And then he drops a bombshell that an Academy Award winning
actor is an adult baby, diapers and all! Hmmm...

He mentioned how Joey Pants from the Sopranos asked for too much money
and got the boot out of the new Matrix. Smooth move dumb ass. He then
breaks the news of the day. Ralph snitched on Howard about hooking up
with Angie Everhart at a Metallica concert a few years back. Howard of
course back pedals and clears it all up, but all in all, the truth comes out, Ralph
is Fredo! I put him in the same category as Gange. Traitor ass sons of bitchs!

Artie Lange finally making his presense felt, in a Pizza Eating Contest!
They should've hyped this up more. Artie in his element! He asked them
to put on Sportscenter during the contest, thats my kinda guy! He even
has an eating uniform, I love this guy! He seemed the most at ease and
comfortable he's ever sounded on the show, with a slice shoved down his
throat. Unfortunately, he competed against a bigger, fatter, even more
disgusting slob then him and again went down in true Artie fashion and
lost... Again. Thank god they cancelled the race against Bianca.

I'm on the fence about the voicemail. I love that one guy that hates
everybody, but they all sound exactly the same. Why do you think that
guy didn't enter the Meanest Listener Contest? Bob Levy was definitely
the funniest listener who could write mean stuff, but he's not even in
the same league as the voicemail guy. The "I Saw You" bitch could've won too.

They brought in the very first nude chick in the history of the Stern
show, from almost 20 years ago, Maria Merlino. I'm only 24 and on the
West Coast so I never got to hear this live on WNBC, but you bet your
ass I can close my eyes and remember Jenna Jameson playing the part in
Private Parts. Most likely one of the greatest moments in radio history,
but who would've remembered this chicks name? Whatever. I guess she's a
comedian or something, but all I know is she doesn't shut up so I lost interest.

After this Robin starts the news. If you want the news, pick up the
paper, i'm not typing that shit out. E-mail us all comments about the
column and ideas about others. Later days. SL