What would you give to go with Stern and the gang to Scores? I think
the words "Left Nut" and "First Born" come to mind. I know its against the
code and everything all strip clubs stand for in general, but can you
imagine the tapes of this shit? Artie probably trying to get a lap dance
at the buffet table, Benji creeping all the girls out, Gary crying to the girls about
his marriage problems, and of course Howard networking and shmoozing all the girls
for when Beth inevitably leaves him. Good times.

I'm trying to think if I have a specific strip club uniform. Jeans and a
t-shirt seem to be the norm i'd think, even though every man wants to
wear sweatpants and a tanktop. Or even better, the nut-hugger basketball
shorts from the 70's. Anything for the optimal skin-to-skin contact
ratio and of course maximum friction. Fuck, I need to get to a strip
club! Hmm... I wonder if Artie's eating uniform is the same as his
Scores uniform. Tomato sauce stains up top, Jizz stains down low.

I can't believe Stern is letting Gange come to the Scores party. I get
the argument that its Howard's fight why be mad at somebody else not
involved, but its still blatant insubordination. I understand why
they're taking the creepy virgin and why Stern caved and let Issac
come, but Gange shouldn't be there. Just my opinion. The biggest raping in
Stern show history and Gange goes and parties up with the butt-fucker
himself. Not cool at all.

Howard brought up the Sammy Sosa controversy again with the corked
bats. So let's put it to bed. Now i'm a huge baseball fan and after they
examined all of the rest of his bats and found nothing I believed him
that it was an accident. Howard and the guys brought up a good point
though, if you were gonna cheat and use a corked bat, why would you
have a whole locker full of corked bats? That's just begging to get caught.
You'd have one and pull it out occasionally. To have 70 corked bats
would be retarded. That's a very interesting point. But who cares, the
Cubs suck.

Artie went and ate after the show! Wow! After a Pizza Eating Contest! I
don't know if that's extremely impressive or the most disgusting thing
ever! And what's up with John? Is he the biggest loser in the world or
what? Sawing nose hairs at a diner, and still, after years of the same
bullshit, needs to borrow money for his cab in the morning. How do you
own like 3 houses, but have Insufficient Funds in the bank? Sell a house
you retard!

And in the days political statement, Howard talked about how all the
celebrities are bagging on Bush for the lack of Weapons of Mass
Destruction. I'm gonna try to keep this column light so i'm not really
gonna get into it, but all in all, the Garafalo's and Sarandon's of the
world need to shut the fuck up! Bush is an idiot, there's no arguing
that, but he stepped up to the plate and made Real American's proud.
Nuff Said.

I think i'm gonna enter the Air Guitar contest here in Los Angeles.
It's like American Idol for Anti-Social Dungeon and Dragon's geeks. There's
at least 5 billion people on the planet that have experience and are
qualified to enter this contest. I know I can get down on a couple Rage
Against the Machine songs, I think i'm gonna look into it. Sounds fun
in theory, but seriously, how tremendously lame can you get?

Hi-Pitch Eric is the lowest form of life on this planet. How simple
minded can a person get before they're considered retarded? He can be
convinced to do absolutely anything. He fuckin said he would kill
Gange! That's an insane thought. The most disturbing part of it all is he's
not exactly getting persuaded by a smooth talking genius, it's fuckin Joey
Boots! Someone just commit him or put him out of his misery already.

Comedian Patrice O'Neal came in and called himself the most "Famous,
unfamous guy" in comedy. Anybody striving to get "Nigga Rich" is cool
in my book. According to him, Brazil is the best place to buy some poon,
or as he put it, they're "Selling dreams". I guess its pretty good, this
guy won't fly to LA to further his career, but he'll fly to Brazil for
some coochie. There's a club called Help that sounds like a Coochie
Department store. For $33 US dollars, the girls will bang you and even
pretend to like you for a whole day. You gotta love that. He said you
can even pay a chick to love you for a weekend. I'm sold! Everyone sign
up for the Planet Stern Field Trip to Brazil.

After that Robin started the news. If you want the news, pick up a
paper, i'm not typing that shit out. E-mail us all comments about this
column and ideas about others. Later days. SL